Are You Dealing with Disappointment?

“The definition of disappointment is the distance between expectation and outcome”

One of the most corrosive elements in any professional relationship is a disappointment. When we are disappointed in a partner, in an employee, in a transaction, we are motivated to avoid that relationship in the future and to recalibrate downward our evaluation of the party or product as a result. The act of being disappointed is a surprisingly complex and unpleasant experience, with an impact on our beliefs about our ability to predict responses while dislodging plans that we may have been forming based on our anticipation.

That level of internalized response is sufficient that we actively avoid the source of disappointment, whether consciously or subconsciously; when that source is a person, we begin creating layers of protection that can include avoidance, withholding of responsibilities, even the search for a reason to discontinue the relationship or at least the intensity that had been present previously.

Disappointment is not the same as a negative result. There are numerous times when we undertake — or ask others to take on — tasks where our expectations are limited, where failure is not particularly surprising. Disappointment is when our expectations are for (what we determine as) a successful outcome, and we find something less than that. So, if the outcome is not the determining factor in creating disappointment, we find that the creating of the appropriate expectation is the critical element.

An important clarification: the obvious take away from the prior point would be to consistently create lower expectations… if failure is consistently expected, then all success will be positive, and all failure neutral. Many lower-level employees embrace this philosophy, and in so doing create a trap. When a task or project is brought to them, or a transaction occurs with them, there is an expectation by the other party that there will be some benefit to the relationship. Greeted with the prediction of a lesser outcome, disappointment arrives immediately, regardless of the eventual outcome. This leads to all of the resulting detriments to the relationship as if the outcome was the disappointment, without any opportunity for upside.

The real key is to set appropriate expectations and to communicate sufficiently that expectations are adjusted as circumstances demand. Appropriate expectations can be derived from a thoughtful evaluation of existing expectations, resources and requirements, and of your own capacity to execute. Constructive communication occurs as soon as the circumstances or interim outcomes are different than your own anticipations, with an emphasis on collaborative evaluation of new targets, resources or processes. By creating that shared focus, the negative connotation is placed on the problem, transaction or outcome, rather than being personalized to yourself.

Failure is usually not the desired outcome, but it is enormously less harmful than disappointment and less likely to carry forward the type of lowered evaluations or stigma that can destroy relationships. Evaluate carefully, communicate promptly, and maintain focus on the challenge rather than the personalities, and disappointment can be effectively avoided.